A Day With An Average Republican.


Gary U.S. Republican.

When I was a kid, someone asked me what religion I was. I replied, “public.” In the good old days growing up in that horrible armpit called Philadelphia, I thought there were two religions – Catholic, and public. Since I went to public school, I assumed I was public. My parents never mentioned religion. I didn’t know who Jesus was until my first girlfriend asked me why I put the communion wafer in my shirt pocket. What the hell kind of parents don’t at least mention religion?

My genius parents were registered Republicans. I’m not sure why. I bet they didn’t know why either. They probably went to a social event with their uppity suburban pals, and were convinced Republicanism was the cool thing to do at the time. When it came time for me to register to vote, I ignored it. Partially out of ignorance, more out of curiosity. I figured I’d better do some homework first. A few decades later, I’m still trying to decide. Eventually, I registered as an independent because, to this day, all political parties seemed FUBAR. Still, I needed to know more. So I hung out with a Republican named Gary for a day.

Gary is a rotund sixty-something year-old white guy with a particularly sloppy southern drawl, a sixth generation American citizen. His parents hailed from Georgia, and once owned a couple of businesses that got bought or sold, or something. I wasn’t sure where his story was going, and he seemed annoyed when I attempted to clarify it. He was much more interested in talking about his investments, and his Harley. Gary bragged that he was an “investment king,” with well over a million dollars in wealth on paper, and a couple hundred grand in the bank. He’s not doing too bad. We talked about how this country has been squashing small businesses, and how they should decrease taxes to give everyone some breathing room.

Upon our conversational segue into politics, things got fugly. Gary could not find one nice thing to say about President Obama. I’ll spare the details. His diatribe on Hillary Clinton was even worse. Gary thinks the Democratic party is killing America, and they are “giving away all [his] money to black people looking for a fucking handout.” When pressed to explain exactly what the Democrats were doing to kill America, Gary had a difficult time explaining. He slurred something about destroying hospitals and health care, letting too many people go on welfare, food stamp families driving Lexuses, and letting those “damned towelheads” in the country. Gary sounded as if he was poorly reading a Donald Trump teleprompter.

A week or so later, Gary called my business. He needed some work done, so I came up with a competitive estimate. Gary called me back and asked for a substantial discount, you know, since we were apparently now friends. That’s right, the millionaire investment king was looking for a fucking handout. I told Gary I couldn’t afford to give him a discount because I had to pay for my own health insurance, and with Obama and all, my premiums had just gone up. Terrified that I’d have to see that miserable wretch again, I added a few additional must-have options I supposedly forgot initially, which safely priced me out of the running.

That’s when it all clicked. Ironically, every Gary I ever knew reminded me of this douche. Republican Garys are mean, selfish, greedy and filled with hatred towards anyone who isn’t like them. Republicans in general tend to be people who are lucky enough to have a little wealth, usually kickstarted by an inheritance or life insurance, or otherwise being hired to a cushy overpaid job because of the color of their skin (black, white, or yellow – this works throughout the rainbow). They don’t want to give it away. Republicans are scared to death of losing their wealth, and taxes are how they believe Democrats are trying to level the field. The worst thing you could do to a Republican would be to make him live like a Democrat.

Not only did my parents fail me in religion, they failed me in Gary too. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with a Democrat named Joe. I’ll let y’all know how that goes.


About Miso N. Grey

Critical thinker, honest pundit, world shaper.
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5 Responses to A Day With An Average Republican.

  1. amysatori says:

    Ha ha ha! My ex is one of these Garys to a “T”. I wouldn’t get into politics with him, but, from his disdain for humanity, I have to admit I was a little turned off to Republicans. And I WAS trying to make him more of a democrat (well, really, to just become more compassionate). We’re now divorced!


  2. This was amazing to read! I’ve been working in the customer service industry for the past 5 years and I can say that I have meat MANY Gary’s but never really thought much of it until now. Actually, when I was working in Australia as an Au Pair my “boss” or “mother” was a Gary through and through and she wonder’s why I left early and on bad terms. I can’t say I get along too well with Republicans that is for sure.


  3. kogeil says:

    A similar thing happened to me, also a public school student until graduation, religion was never a key focus in my household or my studies. It sort of added to the fact that, since we didn’t really have religious views, we didn’t have strong political ones either. Well, at least not ones that we talked about much. Took me awhile to decide where I stood politically, and I still waffle a lot. Your Republican Gary reminds me a bit of my Texan uncle—don’t even want to be in the same room as him if someone mentions Obama! That is quite an accurate viewpoint, interesting.


  4. joe schmo says:

    What a douch tool you are! A moronic confused atheist hater. Grew up in and hates democrat philly hates obamacare yet hates the alternative. You are a confused miserable moron.

    Gary like all republicans is LUCKY ENOUGH to have some money? You are just a loser. Most people need to be smart and hard working to have money. Is it LUCK to ace algebra tests? Is it luck to play the guitar like Clapton?

    Gary might not know how to put into words his legitimate dislike of the non-assimilating minorities, but I can, It’s called OGBU look it up. It manifests in rebelling in school and against all social mores that allow people to be LUCKY to have some money MORON. They disrupt class constantly, they use drugs, they deal drugs, they eat wrong and bring disease upon themselves. They rebel against cops. They would rather spend money on kicks than on books.

    Bottom line — THEY DON’T ACHIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go back and watch interviews with 60’s/70’s black NFL players and compare them totoday. IDIOT


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